So, I felt the need to vent a bit more.. but I'm going to listen to Steff and NOT apologize. Because it is my blog and nobody has to read this if they don't want to. I've got a couple of things that I wanted to talk about and since I don't have another appointment with the counselor till next Friday I'll talk about it here!
Lately, like the title of this says, I've been feeling like a loner.. and a loser. I'm not going to lie, I've always felt like a loser. Well, since 6th grade, when I lost all of my friends. Elementary school was great, I had tons of friends, everybody got along for the most part. Then when middle school started in 6th grade, all of a sudden I had nobody. Well, I had my best friend at the time, Jordan, but we fought all the time. We were like sisters. It was a love/hate thing. But yeah, besides her, I had nobody. Kids threw mean notes at me on the bus, I was miserable, and I actually barely passed 6th grade. That actually doesn't bug me too much. I moved to Ferndale, and I had more friends again for awhile. Now I feel like I've just got Kathy. Kathy is AMAZING and I just love her, but it's like if she's busy, I've got nobody. I sit around. And part of what has been bugging me lately is that I feel like I'm the person somebody would hang out with because they've got nothing better to do. Basically, I couldn't care less about partying and crap. It's not my thing. And people tell me that they like that about me, that I don't do what everybody else does or whatever. But I don't really believe them. I'm sick of sitting home by myself on weekends but oh well. I'm really bad at putting what I'm feeling into words right now. I was thinking about writing this earlier and I knew what I wanted to say but now I don't. I think that's part of why I don't have many friends though.. I'm shy, I don't care about parties, I've never really liked breaking rules. I spend my Friday nights at the yacht club. Most of the people I consider friends are my parents age or older. It's just been really bugging me that I don't really have any friends my own age.
I have something else I wanted to talk about.. I actually would like some advice. So, I know I was just basically complaining about not having friends my age, but there is one girl who says I'm one of her closest friends, but I really can't stand her. I didn't post this the other day when I first started writing it because all of a sudden I was freaking out thinking she would read it. But I've never given her the link and I don't think she's tried looking for it. So really, she is Kathy's friend, and I was just always polite because she was Kathy's friend and I wanted to hang out with Kathy... but now I've just lost patience with her. I don't want to hang out with her, I don't want to talk to her. I just want to be done. I actually haven't hung out with her since before Kathy went to France. I feel kind of bad, but it's just.. All my life I've never defended myself or said anything I really thought. I keep quiet, I keep my opinions to myself, and if people are horrible to me, I just stand there and take it. I let people push me around. I want to change that, and I don't want to have things in my life that I don't like if I don't HAVE to. I mean, I know there is always going to be people in life that I won't like or get along with, or situations I don't like. But I don't think this is one of those things. I would love for us to just sort of drift.. but her and Kathy live on the same street. Whenever I hang out with Kathy and we don't invite her, her whole family knows. And now I feel awkward when I go there.. So that's what I wanted advice about. Am I really being horrible? I want to know what you guys think. My mom and stepdad seem to think I'm being really mean. I'm not trying to be..
I won't post any more giant rants for the next week. I know it's my blog, but I can't help but feel bad. I don't know why. But tomorrow my CG Poolside collection should be delivered, so I will be posting about those polishes and the rest that Tiffani sent me! And I'll be posting my Opening Day mani probably on Friday night, because Saturday I will be gone all day.
I'm going to go curl up and watch Young Guns now I think. Goodnight and thanks for reading!