Sunday, April 25, 2010

I Feel Like a Loner

So, I felt the need to vent a bit more.. but I'm going to listen to Steff and NOT apologize. Because it is my blog and nobody has to read this if they don't want to. I've got a couple of things that I wanted to talk about and since I don't have another appointment with the counselor till next Friday I'll talk about it here!

Lately, like the title of this says, I've been feeling like a loner.. and a loser. I'm not going to lie, I've always felt like a loser. Well, since 6th grade, when I lost all of my friends. Elementary school was great, I had tons of friends, everybody got along for the most part. Then when middle school started in 6th grade, all of a sudden I had nobody. Well, I had my best friend at the time, Jordan, but we fought all the time. We were like sisters. It was a love/hate thing. But yeah, besides her, I had nobody. Kids threw mean notes at me on the bus, I was miserable, and I actually barely passed 6th grade. That actually doesn't bug me too much. I moved to Ferndale, and I had more friends again for awhile. Now I feel like I've just got Kathy. Kathy is AMAZING and I just love her, but it's like if she's busy, I've got nobody. I sit around. And part of what has been bugging me lately is that I feel like I'm the person somebody would hang out with because they've got nothing better to do. Basically, I couldn't care less about partying and crap. It's not my thing. And people tell me that they like that about me, that I don't do what everybody else does or whatever. But I don't really believe them. I'm sick of sitting home by myself on weekends but oh well. I'm really bad at putting what I'm feeling into words right now. I was thinking about writing this earlier and I knew what I wanted to say but now I don't. I think that's part of why I don't have many friends though.. I'm shy, I don't care about parties, I've never really liked breaking rules. I spend my Friday nights at the yacht club. Most of the people I consider friends are my parents age or older. It's just been really bugging me that I don't really have any friends my own age.

I have something else I wanted to talk about.. I actually would like some advice. So, I know I was just basically complaining about not having friends my age, but there is one girl who says I'm one of her closest friends, but I really can't stand her. I didn't post this the other day when I first started writing it because all of a sudden I was freaking out thinking she would read it. But I've never given her the link and I don't think she's tried looking for it. So really, she is Kathy's friend, and I was just always polite because she was Kathy's friend and I wanted to hang out with Kathy... but now I've just lost patience with her. I don't want to hang out with her, I don't want to talk to her. I just want to be done. I actually haven't hung out with her since before Kathy went to France. I feel kind of bad, but it's just.. All my life I've never defended myself or said anything I really thought. I keep quiet, I keep my opinions to myself, and if people are horrible to me, I just stand there and take it. I let people push me around. I want to change that, and I don't want to have things in my life that I don't like if I don't HAVE to. I mean, I know there is always going to be people in life that I won't like or get along with, or situations I don't like. But I don't think this is one of those things. I would love for us to just sort of drift.. but her and Kathy live on the same street. Whenever I hang out with Kathy and we don't invite her, her whole family knows. And now I feel awkward when I go there.. So that's what I wanted advice about. Am I really being horrible? I want to know what you guys think. My mom and stepdad seem to think I'm being really mean. I'm not trying to be..

I won't post any more giant rants for the next week. I know it's my blog, but I can't help but feel bad. I don't know why. But tomorrow my CG Poolside collection should be delivered, so I will be posting about those polishes and the rest that Tiffani sent me! And I'll be posting my Opening Day mani probably on Friday night, because Saturday I will be gone all day.

I'm going to go curl up and watch Young Guns now I think. Goodnight and thanks for reading!



Skulda said...

Never EVER apologise for wanting to get your feelings out. Leaving them in can cause them to rot inside you. I understand how you feel. As soon as highschool hit I didn't have any of my old best friends anymore. I wasn't "cool". I didn't give a flying fuck about being cool and that made me a loser. I eventually made friends but the best onces I have I met after I turned 21! I'm 27 now and I don't get to see my bff very much since we both work full time jobs and live far apart. But it's ok. And you're not being horrible to your friend's friend. you're being honest. Pretending to like someone just isn't fun. And I sort of pity her for saying that you are one of her closest friends. :( Maybe you just need to distance yourself from her a bit and find out what about her REALLY bothers you. Who knows... maybe that might change one day. But don't expect to over night. I still don't know what I want to do with my life and sometimes that bothers me, but honestly it's part of the journey. I know that sounds really hippy-like, but it's true. Most people don't know what they want to do and don't find out until their searching brings them to it. Just because you don't know yet doesn't make you fucked up and depressed. NEVER let some doctor tell you What you feel, and what you need to do like that. That doctor is a fucking quack and she might think she is doing what is best for you, but making you feel like shit about it and making you panic because you don't know yet is MESSED UP. You need to do what you want to do and all that will help you decide what to do with your life. Go for walks in nature. Breathe fresh air... listen to good music and all that shit will come in time.
*hugs* Try finding another doctor to help you with your problems. It's ok to ask for another specialist, or look for another one. Shoes don't fit every foot.

Brooke said...

I appreciate that you are comfortable opening up on your own blog - that's what it is here for!

Something my mom told me once that has really stuck with me is this:
YOU decide how others treat you.

That is something I have kept in my mind for years - I have to remind myself that I define my relationships and the way others treat me. And it is hard, because I, like you, am kind of shy and I don't speak up for myself. I have let others push me around for years - and I have learned not to. Remembering that I am in control of how others treat me makes me feel more confident. I don't mean to be giving you a pep talk or anything - it is just good advice that worked for me - but everyone is different (and I love that!)

You're not a loner - you have all of us in this blogosphere loving you and we ALL know who you are - you are the one and only Tierney. And you are certainly not a loser. Not by a longshot. I hope you're able to stay positive - and feel better knowing that there are lots of people out there who care about you. Lots!

Kathy said...

Tierney. Thing 1. Twin Buddy.
I love you.
I don't think you are a loser or a loner at all. You are just selective about the people that you want to grace with the privilege of getting to know you. And as we have said many times the people our age in Ferndale suck. As for the Kaylee will work out however it will eventually. If only we had our awesome apartment then we wouldn't have to worry about that. I feel the need to plan an amazing day and put it in motion in the near future. Like i said before I LOVE YOU!!!

Sandie KlawzZ said...

Sorry, I haven't been reading you're blogs. D=

The advice thing...I can't help you much =( I'm avoiding someone too and I'm too afraid to tell her that I don't want to talk to her. I hate hurting peoples feelings. I don't think you're being mean, I think you just know the kind of people you want to hang out with.
The loser thing, don't worry I'm here with you on that I mean why else is my blog called Memoirs of a Loser? It's a name I had for my blog on MySpace and it just carried over.
It's okay Tier I know how you're feeling on this one, I don't have anyone at all to hangout with my closest friend lives three hours away and my best friend now lives in florida =(. If we lived closer together I'd hang out with you though, we can be losers together and watch awesome movies!! lol
Love ya Tier <3

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