Sunday, March 14, 2010

I Don't Know

Warning: If you don't want to see a giant rant about my personal problems, don't bother reading any of this.

Sorry I haven't done any nail posts in a couple days. My nails have been bare. I just spent a couple hours in the rain with my mom and stepdad and sister moving my stepdads junk from a storage container to his shop. I was worried my nails were gonna break off.

Anyways, I started this post before we went out to do that. My parents got into a big fight today. They got into a fight about my sisters and I. They were fighting in the garage, which is below my room. Then after they had been arguing for like 20 minutes I got curious and laid on the floor to try and hear them. I don't really care if it isn't my business, because there have been problems in this house for quite awhile. I couldn't hear much, but basically my stepdad is sick of my sisters and I. I think he might actually want to kick me out. One thing I heard him say was "If they talk back to me again then fuck it, they can find a bus." Something like that. He thinks we are spoiled rotten brats that get whatever we want and we don't contribute anything to the house. First of all, my youngest sister is 15. She should just be focusing on school and her horse. She is already making money teaching riding lessons and pays for a lot of her own horse stuff. My other sister is 16 and she is the one who is working at my mom's shop most often and she is taking classes at the community college. I just finished up all my classes but I won't graduate until June. That kind of annoys me because the whole reason I switched to online was so I could graduate early but oh well. Anyways. I know I need a job but it is hard to get one right now and I have been trying. My stepdad acts like he is better than everybody, it is really aggravating. I'm not the only one who thinks that, my grandma actually agrees with me. She is pretty much the only person in my family I can talk to. My mom and stepdad talk crap about my dad all the time, and get mad at me when I get upset about it. HE IS MY FATHER. Of course that makes me upset! My stepdad says he only says that because he cares about us and doesn't like how my dad treated us. I think that if he really cared, he would respect that I don't want to hear him bash on my dad. Besides, half the stuff he tries to throw in my face is stuff that happened before I was born, issues that my mom and dad had. That's ridiculous. My dad once started saying something about my mom, then when he realized what he was saying he stopped and apologized to me for like 10 minutes.

Anyway, my stepdad was going on and on and like yelling and I couldn't hear much of what my mom was saying, she was a lot quieter and then she started crying. But my sisters and I don't like him and things have been getting worse and worse over the last year. My mom won't really let us talk to her, we can't talk to our dad because he would call mom and she would get pissed. I never wanted another stepdad. My first stepdad (Gorilla Man) who lived with us for 8 years was abusive. He told us we were horrible kids and that our mom didn't love us. He told our mom that she was a terrible mother and that we didn't love her. He wouldn't ever let us be alone with her. One night he got my sisters and I out of bed and yelled at us because the garbage was knocked over. He refused to get an actual garbage can, he just used paper grocery bags and the cat must've gotten into it or something. But he insisted it was our fault and to teach us a lesson, he shoved our heads into the garbage. We lived with him for 8 years until one night my dad was driving us back to our mom's house. She was gone on a business trip and it was just going to be us and Gorilla Man. I told him that I was afraid to go home and then we ended up telling him everything. So he pulled over and called our mom and told her he wouldn't bring us back until Gorilla Man was gone. Gorilla Man's first words when my mom called him were "Do I need a lawyer?" Anyways. After that I think I said I wanted another stepdad, I don't exactly remember. My mom says I said that. I never wanted that though, I just wanted my parents to get back together. They've been divorced since I was 3. I have no memories of them ever getting along. A year after Gorilla Man left mom met my current stepdad and he moved in like 2 weeks after they started dating because he had been living on a boat. Of course I couldn't say anything because mom was happy finally. But I can't stand my stepdad and I've been miserable for quite awhile now and I don't know what to do. I talked before about moving to my dad's house, but I don't like my stepmom either. She treats us like 5 year olds, we have to have permission to get something to eat or drink. Every time I visit she is all "Oh it is so nice to see you! I've missed you so much!" and then doesn't really talk to me the rest of the time I'm there. She's extremely moody and when she is in a bad mood, nobody in the house speaks. Well, except for my stepbrother. I don't know if he notices or just ignores it or what.

Sorry, I'm using this blog to rant right now. But I keep so much of this inside because I feel like I have nobody. I'm always stressing out about it and that combined with the headaches I've been getting for 11 years now, it is exhausting.

One of my friends said I can come live with her if I need to. I told her I would feel in the way since I have no job and no car and I've got my dog, but she said that doesn't matter. Her and her family have known about all this for the last couple years, they are some of the few people I trust and I know I can talk to. So I am considering it. I'm sure some people would say I am just running away from my problems, but I have tried to fix them. My parents act like nothing is wrong and they say we are a better functioning family then anybody else we know. I'm just so tired of being miserable and I honestly have no idea what to do.

Again, I apologize for ranting on here. I just need somewhere to get it all out. I will probably delete this in a couple days. I will have a nail post tomorrow or tuesday at the latest. I can't wait to do my St. Patricks Day nails!



Amberski said...

Oh, sweetie, I am sorry that things are going so crappy for you right now!! When parents fight, it is horrible- my parents divorced when I was 14, and until my dad passed 14 years ago, they were never nice to each other. I hated my stepdad as well, but he never treated me the way yours seems to, I was just a brat... I later discovered that he was a nice guy, and he treats my children like they were his "real" grandchildren. If you need someone older (and I guess parent-like, since I could be your mom, LOL) my email address is on the sidebar of my blog. I hope things get better for you!

Tierney said...

Awh, thank you so so much, that is so incredibly sweet.

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry, Tierney. All I can really say is that blows and I'm sorry. I know that doesn't help, really. I can offer the same support as Amber. E-mail me if you EVER want to talk. Even better, Facebook friend me ;) Although I have like one of the most common names in the world, so I may have to find you.

My parents never have had marital issues, so I don't know firsthand what you're going through, but I've watched my best friend and my boyfriend deal with their parents. My best friend's dad is a total asshole and he treats her like crap. It hurts her more than I can say, so I can't even imagine what you're going through :( If you feel like you need to remove yourself from the situation, don't think it's "running away." It's just doing what's best for you.

Oh! And don't apologize for ranting. This is your blog, you know ;) I myself am the rant queen, and I don't even put up nice disclaimers like you do!

Delaynee said...

Hey there doll - I want you to know that it isn't your job to fix the problems within your household, you're still a young person.. That is one of the main things that popped out when reading your post. You say you feel like you're running away, but really you're not.. It shouldn't be up to you to make a change.

Your stepfather should have no say in how your real father behaves, because everything that he knows about him is most likely hearsay, so he should butt out.

Just remember to be there for your younger sisters, luckily you're all close in age so you can all be there for each other.

I am sorry you're going through all of this, I hope there is a remedy to this situation and that it happens soon!!

Kathy said...

Twin buddy!!! Ray is an ass and needs to have some manners and a bunch of other stuff smacked into him. I'm sorry that today was a sucky day filled with unwanted emotions. A day in the near future we will hangout (get you out of your house) and do something stress free. You are loved very much and have places to go if you want to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations.

Linnie said...

This situation sucks...
Hope this will change very soon!

And I think you did great blogging this, not every post should be about polish only.

gildedangel said...

*hugs* I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I think that it would be a good idea to move in with your friend. You clearly need to remove yourself from the situation. You aren't running away from your problems and you won't be in the way at your friend's house. If you ever want to talk; I am just an e-mail away! :)

Tierney said...

Awhh. Thanks you guys, you are all so sweet. I'm so glad I decided to start blogging! And it really helps knowing I have people to talk to.

And Kathy, we definitely need to hang out soon. Wednesday I'm spending the day with my grandma like usual. Yay ice skating! And either Tuesday or Thursday I am going with my mom to Marysville while Abby has testing. I think today I have to help moving the rest of that junk out of the storage container. Bleh. Hopefully it won't rain like yesterday.

Nails 4 Stars said...

Don't apologize to us sweetie, cos I think it's a good thing that you write everything down. I don't think you run away from your problems if you go and stay with your friend for a while. I think this situation is stressing you out to much (headache). Stress is a awful thing. I hope you will be smiling soon! I want you to be happy and feel good. I will think of you, your not alone!
xox Big hug from me.

Brooke said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry all of this is going on. You don't need all of this added stress. I'm so sorry :( My parents fought and had issues my entire life, so I know what you're going through. I remember falling asleep to them yelling. It sucks. And I'm sorry all of this is going on. It does kind of get easier as you get older. I'm 24 now and moved out when I was 22, and at that point, things were better - or at least I perceived them as such. I hope things get easier for you and your sisters. And we're all here for you!

Sandie KlawzZ said...

I just read this now. I haven't really been on all weekend. I'm sorry Tier =(
I don't get how you are so-called "spoiled" though... You're pretty down to earth for someone who's spoiled lol. Do what you have to do and don't worry if you are anyone else thinks your "running" away from your problems, you're not you are only fixing it the best way you know how. Hell maybe living somewhere else for a little bit might help you cope with your shyness, when I would stay with my sister I had to go into stores during the day and put myself in the most anxiety provoking situations for me and now that part of my anxiety has subsided. You never know it could benefit you.
I don't like this guy from what you say about him, I'm sorry you have to go through that.

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