I Don't Know

Warning: If you don't want to see a giant rant about my personal problems, don't bother reading any of this.

Sorry I haven't done any nail posts in a couple days. My nails have been bare. I just spent a couple hours in the rain with my mom and stepdad and sister moving my stepdads junk from a storage container to his shop. I was worried my nails were gonna break off.

Anyways, I started this post before we went out to do that. My parents got into a big fight today. They got into a fight about my sisters and I. They were fighting in the garage, which is below my room. Then after they had been arguing for like 20 minutes I got curious and laid on the floor to try and hear them. I don't really care if it isn't my business, because there have been problems in this house for quite awhile. I couldn't hear much, but basically my stepdad is sick of my sisters and I. I think he might actually want to kick me out. One thing I heard him say was "If they talk back to me again then fuck it, they can find a bus." Something like that. He thinks we are spoiled rotten brats that get whatever we want and we don't contribute anything to the house. First of all, my youngest sister is 15. She should just be focusing on school and her horse. She is already making money teaching riding lessons and pays for a lot of her own horse stuff. My other sister is 16 and she is the one who is working at my mom's shop most often and she is taking classes at the community college. I just finished up all my classes but I won't graduate until June. That kind of annoys me because the whole reason I switched to online was so I could graduate early but oh well. Anyways. I know I need a job but it is hard to get one right now and I have been trying. My stepdad acts like he is better than everybody, it is really aggravating. I'm not the only one who thinks that, my grandma actually agrees with me. She is pretty much the only person in my family I can talk to. My mom and stepdad talk crap about my dad all the time, and get mad at me when I get upset about it. HE IS MY FATHER. Of course that makes me upset! My stepdad says he only says that because he cares about us and doesn't like how my dad treated us. I think that if he really cared, he would respect that I don't want to hear him bash on my dad. Besides, half the stuff he tries to throw in my face is stuff that happened before I was born, issues that my mom and dad had. That's ridiculous. My dad once started saying something about my mom, then when he realized what he was saying he stopped and apologized to me for like 10 minutes.

Anyway, my stepdad was going on and on and like yelling and I couldn't hear much of what my mom was saying, she was a lot quieter and then she started crying. But my sisters and I don't like him and things have been getting worse and worse over the last year. My mom won't really let us talk to her, we can't talk to our dad because he would call mom and she would get pissed. I never wanted another stepdad. My first stepdad (Gorilla Man) who lived with us for 8 years was abusive. He told us we were horrible kids and that our mom didn't love us. He told our mom that she was a terrible mother and that we didn't love her. He wouldn't ever let us be alone with her. One night he got my sisters and I out of bed and yelled at us because the garbage was knocked over. He refused to get an actual garbage can, he just used paper grocery bags and the cat must've gotten into it or something. But he insisted it was our fault and to teach us a lesson, he shoved our heads into the garbage. We lived with him for 8 years until one night my dad was driving us back to our mom's house. She was gone on a business trip and it was just going to be us and Gorilla Man. I told him that I was afraid to go home and then we ended up telling him everything. So he pulled over and called our mom and told her he wouldn't bring us back until Gorilla Man was gone. Gorilla Man's first words when my mom called him were "Do I need a lawyer?" Anyways. After that I think I said I wanted another stepdad, I don't exactly remember. My mom says I said that. I never wanted that though, I just wanted my parents to get back together. They've been divorced since I was 3. I have no memories of them ever getting along. A year after Gorilla Man left mom met my current stepdad and he moved in like 2 weeks after they started dating because he had been living on a boat. Of course I couldn't say anything because mom was happy finally. But I can't stand my stepdad and I've been miserable for quite awhile now and I don't know what to do. I talked before about moving to my dad's house, but I don't like my stepmom either. She treats us like 5 year olds, we have to have permission to get something to eat or drink. Every time I visit she is all "Oh it is so nice to see you! I've missed you so much!" and then doesn't really talk to me the rest of the time I'm there. She's extremely moody and when she is in a bad mood, nobody in the house speaks. Well, except for my stepbrother. I don't know if he notices or just ignores it or what.

Sorry, I'm using this blog to rant right now. But I keep so much of this inside because I feel like I have nobody. I'm always stressing out about it and that combined with the headaches I've been getting for 11 years now, it is exhausting.

One of my friends said I can come live with her if I need to. I told her I would feel in the way since I have no job and no car and I've got my dog, but she said that doesn't matter. Her and her family have known about all this for the last couple years, they are some of the few people I trust and I know I can talk to. So I am considering it. I'm sure some people would say I am just running away from my problems, but I have tried to fix them. My parents act like nothing is wrong and they say we are a better functioning family then anybody else we know. I'm just so tired of being miserable and I honestly have no idea what to do.

Again, I apologize for ranting on here. I just need somewhere to get it all out. I will probably delete this in a couple days. I will have a nail post tomorrow or tuesday at the latest. I can't wait to do my St. Patricks Day nails!

-Tier